Mumbles. My mumbles. I mumble a lot.

Reptiles

2012-01-19T19:55:00.000+01:00

This is a revelation.

I'm a mixture of a quite an array of oriental blood. Directly speaking, my mom was from Kelantan, and dad was born in Singapore. There were quite some rumours that my mom's side have a bit Siamese relation to it, but so far no recorded proof of that has ever been produced (as this rumour did arrive to me per my father, this "gossip" was hardly a surprise).

Then again, the Kelantanese have always been an interesting bunch, aren't they? Someone dear to me once said "Being in Kelantan was like stepping in another country,". That pretty much sums it up, in my opinion. They have their own version of laksa, and they stuff squid with sticky rice. And eat them with palm sugar syrup (not the laksam though, fools. Use some common sense). Odd to some, delicious to me. And they call it "Jajahan" when the rest of the country prefers the term "Daerah" The Kelantanese side of me has always been a humble bunch, not show-offy. I'm proud of this really, so I do try to speak the dialect, but this practice is strictly reserved to friends and friends only. Attempting this to members of the family will spark an eternity of mockery, something that I (nor anyone) could tolerate.

Now my father's side. Though he was born and raised in Singapore, my ancestors originate from the southern part of the island of Borneo. Banjarmasin, Kalimantan Selatan. Yes, you've guessed it. I'm also Banjarese. Very much unlike my maternal side, my father's side is, how do I put this gently, adventurous. Tales of great great grandfathers travelling to foreign lands, trying to strike it big somewhere, somehow. Their stories of migration and making it big on the tiny island of Singapore was even documented in a book:

I think that when I last saw the draft of this book, I did see me mentioned discreetly somewhere. I'm not quite sure if I made it to the final published edition though. But enough vanity. The Banjarese was not known of their pride, thus when they traveled to many parts of the malayan archipelago, they tend to assimilate with the locals and surroundings. Sadly, their language dissolve too. So you see many banjarese outside south of Kalimantan can't even speak the language. And so was I. And most of my family too. In fact the youngest member of my family (that I know of) who does speak Banjarese is my aunt. Which is a pity.

Now why do I decide to bring this up all of a sudden?

2 things. First, I was kind of hooked by the BBC program "Who do You Think You Are?" where celebrities track their down their ancestries, and I was amazed by the whole concept of genealogy. I enjoyed the one about Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, the most.

Another thing I discovered with this program is, it is such a pity that the Malayan archipelago was introduced to the system of handwriting and record-keeping SO late in the turn of the century. If not, imagine the stories we could have uncovered.

Second, I discovered this:

My late grandfather used to sing this to me and my sister before we went to bed, when I was really little. And it certainly brought back some great memories with it. For your info, "Ampar Ampar Pisang" is a banjarese folk song. Pity I can't understand much of it though.

So if one was to ask me where do I come from, I can't really answer that now can I?

(Footnote: "Gedung Kuning"'s official website: http://www.gedungkuning.com/index.htm)

Obrigada

2012-01-09T00:05:00.002+01:00

It all started off wrong from the start for me today. So bad in fact it induced a headache, the sort that is resulted from, you guessed it, stress. The sort that I hate the most.

But at the end of the day, it was all better. Though the problems encountered are not fully dealt with, I really would like to express gratitude to those around me.

Those who picked up my calls when I needed them most. Those closest of friends and best of friends.

And those who basically had contact with me today. Your presence has helped tremendously.

(I could think of about 10 names that helped me today. You'd know if you're one of them)

Beans

2012-01-08T00:47:00.000+01:00

I've avoided it as much as I can. But alas, I am only human.

I've succumbed. And those that I fear most, those that I've foreseen, is now before my eyes.

Though it's not like I didn't see this coming.

Bueno

2012-01-02T22:42:00.000+01:00

That moment in life.

When you feel like you live to serve others, or to fulfill expectations of not your own, but those other than you. And then being told what to do.

The belief is the majority hates the idea mentioned above. Admittedly, some prefers it, for they are of the opinion that it simplifies matters. The harsh reality is not many took it upon themselves to alter the reality. And sadly, many more are powerless, unable to change the situation, despite them wanting badly to.

There exists a fine line between being told what to do, and being guided there. An argument that some needs the autocratic feeling, is hereby justified. Yet, unfair it still is (much like many more concepts that exist in the world).

If there is any point that one could his finger on the solution, is maturity. And one blames it upon himself that he shows the lack thereof, or perhaps wrongly showing what he thought was his idea of "maturity". The bitter pill and humble pie, again, swallowed.

Impression. Of your own towards others.

Werther's Originals

2011-11-11T19:02:00.001+01:00

I just don't react well to good news received by others.

Funny this one, I've only realized this fact recently.

You have a friend, received good news, you want to be happy for him, and suddenly there's this lump at the back of your throat. And there's a huge rock at the base of your tummy.

And you feel bad. Weird. This sort of explains my desire to be under the coconut shell I guess.

I end this post with a very, long, sigh.

Christmas Island

2011-11-10T00:09:00.003+01:00

Bagaikan katak di bawah tempurung.

Literal translation: Like being a frog under a coconut shell.

We grew up with this proverb, which means that a person is pretty much closed from the outside world, thus narrowing his mind. The education system taught us so, that this is much undesired, for it is a huge world out there and yes, not exploring would be a hell of a waste. And they're not wrong. It is indeed, that by staying in our small backyard, there is not a speck of knowledge to be gained.

But. (There's always a "but" with me, pardon.)

The world is a different place now. We are constantly judged. The peculiar thing is, we are judged not by our own abilities, yet that of others. Unfair, I know.

So the question is: What if we don't like being outside the coconut shell? What if we've been out there, and we prefer that small backyard?

Suddenly I feel like I want to be in my own coconut shell.

I didn't get the point of hermits before, but now I do.

Captain Hindsight

2011-11-07T18:34:00.002+01:00

As men of faith, how do we know if something is a "sign" from the Almighty? How de wo approach such matters?

Difficult. For no one created a manual in recognizing one, and how to differentiate a so-called "sign" from a random occurence.

Obviously, having no such previous encounter beforehand, one got scared. Scared of what shall belie itself upon him. Would one be able to handle such responsibilities? Is my shoulder strong enough to handle such weight?

And most importantly: Am I ready?

Deejay

2011-09-30T15:19:00.002+02:00

Weird. Funny as well.

This time last year I was only too happy to leave. This year though, it feels like I'm leaving a huge part of me behind.

Maybe because I am.

See you when I get there.

2011-09-18T11:11:00.001+02:00

So what is this spell that you put on me?

You always have my emotions at knife's edge. And it's not like it's a bad thing really. But it is mind-nerving.

Seriously. You have no idea. I wonder if this is really being heads over heels?

Cross-trainer

2011-09-09T15:53:00.002+02:00

This is not good.

I can't find my inner peace here. This does not meet my expectations at all.

Guillotine

2011-08-22T16:16:00.002+02:00

So I woke up at 4:30 am yesterday. Pretty unusual, sahur is usually at 5, and I usually need waking up. As if given a shock, my head immediately went into thinking mode. Continuing to sleep was definitely out of the issue.

I could really be mean and cruel to myself. Usually the one dragging myself down would be me alone, demotivating my spirits, extinguishing my flames. Though who would wonder.

Try feeling as if you've lost hope, confidence, sense of direction, and confidantes one by one. You lose people to talk to, and ultimately you start questioning things you shouldn't be questioning yourself. You start hitting yourself on the head pretty often, then.

I really wonder if I should go into hiding and be a hermit, again. Somehow I don't think that resolves matter, not anymore anyways.

Creed

2011-07-30T16:28:00.002+02:00

Go on. Ask me how I'm doing.

I shall then answer "I'm absolutely hating my life right now,". To which I'll answer you with the biggest smile I could carve on my face.

I'm at the point where I have to constantly feed myself words of encouragement that has no absolute guarantee whatsoever, things like "It will all be alright, everything will turn out fine; it's hard now but it'll get easier for you later in the future,". Words that I know is far-fetched from reality, though without it I would sadly, drive myself insane. Sweet words that more or less fell from the sky, much like a politician's promise.

I wouldn't say I'm on the verge of insanity. That would be preposterous. So far I am doing mostly average. But it's like seeing that signboard that says "Plaza Tol Sungai Besi 2km". You know you're not there yet, but you know the road that you're on leads you to it.

Crazy life.

The Dark Lord

2011-07-21T23:21:00.003+02:00

I am genuinely, seriously, really afraid now.

I manage to put things off, for one year now. And now it's here. It's finally arrived. I am freaking out.

God help me pull through this one, just like You helped me through the previous ones.

Real life finally begins.

Kings of Leon

2011-07-10T15:44:00.002+02:00

I have to admit: Facing conflict situations have never been one of my fortes.

I either admit an early defeat or avoid the conflict altogether. I just feel that by prolonging it, two parties could end up being hurt. My opinion is that at least one, the conflict would be dealt with quickly, and two, only one instead of two would be hurt.

As per mentioned in previous posts, we all know now I can't handle anger very well. It always, always comes back to me. Thus the premature white flag.

Although the effects are indeed, unhealthy.

It always, always eats me from the inside, without failure.

Royal Address

2011-07-08T18:59:00.002+02:00

You start to sweat. Nervous. Your heart rate begins to climb.

You've got people coming in from the opposite direction. You look left, then you glance to the right. You get stares, waiting for the next move. You ask yourself: "What to do? When?". One wrong move, and you're definitely done for.

Such is the feeling of a learning driver approaching the scariest part of his learning process (apart from parallel parking, naturally): Being at crossroads.

Pardon me for being so philosophical about the most redundant thing in life. I do it ever so often though.

Crossroads. Two roads diverged in a yellow wood. Which must one take?

One path being laid with such beautiful scenery. But so twisted is the road, one does not see what is on the other side. Risky. The other being plain, yet the destination is within sight. Safe.

The destination being: Love and happiness.

Meat Pie

2011-06-21T21:22:00.002+02:00

I was born, raised and taught myself that way in all these years.

Keep your emotions at bay, never let your guard down, and always make sane and very well-thought decisions.

I was taught to be nice to people all the time, and I kept that word to myself. And I've never stopped trying, mostly.

Too bad the world doesn't really work that way, and what a huge price I have to pay.

Seems there has never been an occasion where my anger doesn't return and haunt me. People couldn't accept that. Something out-of-worldly, it seems. Though I am only human, I deserve to feel that way. But the world feels otherwise.

If you could get away with your anger, do count your blessings. Some of us are not that lucky.

Mega Builders

2011-06-02T01:31:00.002+02:00

To justify.

I have been using this word in particular quite a lot lately. Some literary critique would therefore say that this word is of much importance to the author, to which I hold nothing against the statement. Only because it is a phenomenon that I have been seeing too much of, and I detest every single moment I bear witness to it.

There is no such thing as realizing a mistake, and justifying it.

Once a mistake is done, admittance follows, then apologies, then life goes on. Should things work out well after, then all is well. Should it not be the case, swallow it as bitter as it might be, then go on.

Justifying actions should only apply if the person believes that what prompted the action was the right thing to do. Read: No mistakes.

"I admit eating excessively is wrong. But I only do it because I'm stressed,"

That would be a day-to-day example (A bad one at that. Perhaps I could have come up with better examples though some might be offended. This, however, is NOT a justification). We could see more serious cases in the ways of killing and so on.

I do not think this is a difficult concept for one to grasp.

El Periodico

2011-05-30T21:21:00.002+02:00

Sometimes.

Sometimes you really don't know.

Sometimes you really don't what got into you.

Sometimes you don't know what demon possessed you.

That you manage to do things you never would think you, yourself would do.

Things that you can never relate to yourself doing.

Yet you do it anyway.

One could never walk away. Filled with regret and remorse.

Apologize, but never justify.

Swallow.

Get on with life.

Sorry.

Coins

2011-04-30T23:08:00.002+02:00

Yes, I shall jump on the royal wedding bandwagon, and I will enjoy myself, most definitely.

The Royal Wedding was yesterday (as of press time) and oh, joy, was it such a marvelous occasion, and every single soul in most corners of the world paid attention, yada, yada, yada. (Though if one fails to notice the maid-of-honor, I would suggest suicide to be the most reasonable of all punishments. Wink.)

Yet one thing grasped my attention. How the world never forgot about the late Princess Diana. How the media kept mentioning Kate Middleton following her footsteps into royalty, and how certain channels kept playing footages of when she was alive. How the world was moved by her presence, and unfortunately, her demise.

To which this moved me to watch: The Queen.

Stars Dame Hellen Mirren, Michael Sheen and a list of others (I'm pretty sure most of you out there are familiar with the concept of the Internet Movie Database (IMDB), and if you are not, as before mentioned, suicide should be most appropriate of you.)

An inside look to the Royal Family as they face the crisis that has never before befallen upon them, and how they are to deal with it, keeping the lid on the pressure of the British people whilst maintaining the honor of the British Royalty themselves. Their side of the story as to what happened. Brilliant piece, one must say. Both Sheen and Mirren played their part most effectively and managed to move the audience's heart. A story that was never told.

(Post-watching: Can't help but think that the late Princess Diana DID, in a way or another, tarnish the Royal Family's image. But we are only human, and one must make the best of what is given to us.)

Death Metal

2011-04-17T01:15:00.002+02:00

"Keris Tajung selimbat lepas,

Jatuh di kaki, kaki tak luka;

Peluk cium bertukar nafas,

Jatuh di hati, hati tak lupa.

Tanah sawah di tengah padang,

Tempat orang menanam padi,

Walaupun tak nampak dek badan,

Tanda budi yang baik dibawa mati."

And the legend goes: As the Sultan of the ancient Malay Sultanate is about to leave the palace (to hunt deers), His Highness presents his Queen with his kris as a symbol of his presence whilst saying the first verse of the pantun written above, to which his faithful Queen awaits his return by replying with the second verse (naturally).

How romantic :)

Potato Purée

2011-04-09T17:52:00.002+02:00

What is it about memories?

We tend to remember things we desperately want forgotten, and forget those things which are to be remembered. Vice versa.

Why so complicated?

Wounds. They don't heal, they scar. You might not bleed again after sometime, but there will always be something to remind you of it.

Life needs a reset button. One would wish it would be as easy as clicking on "delete". Funny how complex machineries are able to possess such functions.

Top Hat

2011-04-03T22:18:00.002+02:00

Nun di jalan si gadis perawan,

ikutkan hati siapa tak mahu;

Memang di muka terukir senyuman,

ratapan hati siapakan tahu.

Sedap didengar nyanyian biduan,

menawan hati gadis pemalu;

Kata hasutan usah dilayan,

Ikhlas di hati, itu yang perlu.

Ukiran jiwa menjadi mainan,

buat pendita yang kesa-orangan;

Kata semangat engkau laungkan,

Di medan perang engkau di tepian.

Buah betik dibuat jeruk,

Buat bekalan untuk ke bendang;

Sedangkan guruh engkau menyorok,

Belumkan lagi bertemu pedang.

Nun di muara terlihat sampan,

Usah dihalang kapal nak lalu;

Bila beramai engkaulah jagoan,

Bila seorang tertunduk malu.

Buah delima menjadi idaman,

Buat sang puteri negeri kayangan;

Persalinan emas engkau belikan,

Harga diri engkau gadaikan.

( This came up pretty much from the top of my head. Since I was feeling a little bit uninspired lately; mostly due to the fact that many Hollywood products failed to touch my soul; I decided to come up with my own words of wisdom. Though I must say, it is not impressive, I guess I still have much knowledge to acquire when it comes to Malay literature.)

Morphius

2011-03-10T07:12:00.002+01:00

This is still something to get used to.

Being in a room filled with people, yet feeling like you're the only one there.

Too much around me is changing, too quickly. For a person who lives on the streets, change is what he will presumably need most, as proven with a person with what is now famously known as 'The Golden Voice'. Yet for someone who is so involved, overly-indulged to a certain level, with the things around me, my environment, my surroundings, I can't help but to question myself:

What's next? What lies ahead? What's coming for me?

Hetero Metero

2011-02-10T01:35:00.003+01:00

Many of us acknowledge the fact that indeed, British humour reigns supreme. Yet, sadly, indulge in their products, one is afraid to tread upon, for fear of not being comprehensible looms and hovers above us all like an evil cloud.

Sometimes I do feel like it is such a mountain of a task to convince any of you to enjoy its fruits, but let's give it a shot now shall we?

The Trip. Award-winning program by the BBC. Two men on a road trip to North England, discovering culinary magic. Never in my life has any program manage to both humour me, and touch the melancholy nerve in me like this one does. Awards truly well deserved. Enjoyed the impressions, and what touched me most was the piano solo on every episode. Works like magic, perfect combination.

Only six episodes. All of them available on Youtube. Here's a clip:

(The Billy Connolly impression is spot on. Lolarius maximus).

Superveloce Mk II

2011-01-22T01:45:00.004+01:00

Was watching a Stephen Fry interview with Craig Ferguson (Two of my most beloved people in showbiz, mainly because they don't lack intelligence.), and somehow or rather I ended up looking up for this poem. Emphasis on the bold parts.

The French Revolution As It Appeared To Enthusiasts At Its Commencement
William Wordsworth

Oh! pleasant exercise of hope and joy!
For mighty were the auxiliars which then stood
Upon our side, we who were strong in love!
Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive,
But to be young was very heaven!
—Oh! times, In which the meagre, stale, forbidding ways
Of custom, law, and statute, took at once
The attraction of a country in romance!
When Reason seemed the most to assert her rights,
When most intent on making of herself
A prime Enchantress—to assist the work
Which then was going forward in her name!
Not favoured spots alone, but the whole earth,
The beauty wore of promise, that which sets
(As at some moment might not be unfelt
Among the bowers of paradise itself )
The budding rose above the rose full blown.
What temper at the prospect did not wake
To happiness unthought of? The inert
Were roused, and lively natures rapt away!
They who had fed their childhood upon dreams,
The playfellows of fancy, who had made
All powers of swiftness, subtilty, and strength
Their ministers,—who in lordly wise had stirred
Among the grandest objects of the sense,
And dealt with whatsoever they found there
As if they had within some lurking right
To wield it;—they, too, who, of gentle mood,
Had watched all gentle motions, and to these
Had fitted their own thoughts, schemers more wild,
And in the region of their peaceful selves;—
Now was it that both found, the meek and lofty
Did both find, helpers to their heart’s desire,
And stuff at hand, plastic as they could wish;
Wcre called upon to exercise their skill,
Not in Utopia, subterranean fields,
Or some secreted island,
Heaven knows where!
But in the very world, which is the world
Of all of us,—the place where in the end
We find our happiness, or not at all!

Pleasing read wasn't it?

Superveloce

2011-01-19T01:26:00.002+01:00

Abnormality at it's prime. That's how I shall describe my life.

Life. It builds up from nought, exponentially increases, peaks, then slows, and eventually reaches zero again. More or less like the positive part of a sinus curve, but I'm not here to get technical, so let's move on.

At this age I should be on the verge of reaching the maximum peak. Life should begin. Yet somehow I feel like I'm in the process of slowing down. As I've said: abnormal.

I'm 22. I've never been on a rollercoaster ride. Never been to a "proper" concert per se (I HAVE indeed been to some jazz and orchestra festivals, but I'm sure the likes of MUSE or Metallica trumps it all).

I look forward to "tranquility" (Yeah right. "Deathly silence" would be more appropriate), I stay away from chips (if I can help it), listen to music most people have never even heard of. I look forward to getting home, the introvert person that I am. And the things that make me laugh most are, well, clips from Youtube.

So yes. I do feel like my youth is wasted. Days just fly past me, and you know how this makes me feel.

I am most certainly unable to predict the future, but as far as it goes, my best days are all behind me now.

Deer

2011-01-11T23:54:00.002+01:00

You look alike, the both of you.

You resemble each other. Although your physical entities are not entirely similar, but they're mostly identical. Some of your traits are similar. Your history is also a tad bit the same.

And you're doing what she's always wanted to do.

That's why when I saw you in person, I got scared shitless.

(For those who know what I'm talking about, keep it to yourself)

Plumbing System

2011-01-07T00:06:00.002+01:00

Sixth of the Seven Cardinal Sins:

Envy.

It would be downright inhumane, illogical, if one claims that he has never felt such feelings towards another, ever. The most pious of men would claim this to be true, yet what separates us is merely the degree of our enviness (if there is such a word).

I turned around and saw you, and I was jealous. I wanted to have what you have.

Happiness, and someone to share it with.

(I presume that this justifies my sins, in a way?)

Chill Pill

2010-12-15T11:46:00.002+01:00

Nothing like the feeling of having something that you love held upon you, very, very closely indeed. Envy you, Linus.

Otto

2010-12-13T01:21:00.002+01:00

How does one overcome such an emotion?

An emotion one is not able to fathom, what more understand, or perhaps merely describe in words?

A feeling as if a task is not done quite right, where perfectionism is not within reach. Where wholesomeness is definitely out of the question.

Like an empty mansion.

Atelophobia

Boogie Wonderland

2010-11-23T00:36:00.002+01:00

I love it. When my iPod is somehow in sync with my life.

We saw the first batch of snow for the year. Since the temperature was about 3°C, it all melted away just as quickly as it fell upon the surface of the earth. And then it rained throughout.

Took a bus ride for groceries, alone (this I particularly enjoy doing while I'm here) and walked through the rain. Then these two songs just played:

Keroncong Hujan - Adibah Noor (OST Mukhsin)

Isn't This A Lovely Day - Diana Krall.

And it made walking through the drizzle ever so pleasant.

P/s: Though I must admit. Shopping alone is hazardous. Went down to buy chicken and beef, ended up buying chicken, beef, a belt, and a cardigan. Retail therapy much?

"gerimis berderai di merata, bagai mutiara;
rahmat dibawa bersama, limpahannya meresap di jiwa;
adakala bahgia terasa, meskipun duka nestapa."

Wind

2010-11-12T02:31:00.002+01:00

Got all ready for bed. Done with all the washings, last minute email checkings (to which some of us really have to learn to reply), yada yada yada.

Got in bed. Blankets all warmed up, tuffed up the pillow. Yawned, just to be sure I'm ready.

Then you got hungry.

Awesome timing.

Moral: There is a time and place for everything. Failure to grasp this elementary concept would result in utmost annoyance.

(I have issues with my system.)

Macaroni

2010-11-10T10:04:00.002+01:00

Woke up.Drowsy. Groggy.

And I saw the man in the mirror.

How I despised him. Disgraceful, he is. All the deceitful atrocities that he laid himself upon. How I could not stand the sight of him, how I got filled with rage, and hatred, and utter disgust.

Curses.

The Big Yellow Bag part 2

2010-10-28T08:56:00.003+02:00

Here's more on that Pacific Gyre.

Hope this makes it into your thick skull (Because it's a bit more entertaining, really)

The Big Yellow Bag

2010-10-24T03:45:00.003+02:00

Let's spread a little bit of awareness, this time. Let's think about Mother Earth.

Do this:

Google up The Pacific Gyre. Too lazy? Fine, you sloth. Here, watch.

Now that you have a visual understanding, let's read about what I have to write.

Was shown this clip inside a lecture the past week, and I believe nothing struck me more. When I flew back during summer I had a conversation with mom, touching the same topic. (Funny how I seem to mention a lot of my mom in this blog). Was out shopping for groceries, and since the Malaysian consumer market somehow reflect a lot like the Americans (we buy things in bulk) I noticed we use a lot of plastic.

A lot lot.

And being here, I feel blessed to be surrounded in a community where respect to the environment is hugely appreciated. You'd have to pay for every plastic bag you need, the ones you bought are pretty tough against the elements, and the free ones are easily recyclable. And for every recyled bottle you'd get a €0.25 refund. Get four bottles, now that's a tray of eggs. Free breakfast hey. And I carry my own bags to the grocer. A backpack and two fabric ones, to be exact.

And yes. I do recycle. Garbage separation FTW.

I had to think as well. Malaysians buy things in bulk, as per mentioned. But paper is recyclable. Plastic goes nowhere.

I'm not suggesting a total revolution in the consumer attitude. But at least try. Birds are dying from eating bottle caps, man. Imagine a world without chicken. And I love chicken. Don't take them away from me.

I'm serious about the chicken.

Belasungkawa

2010-10-16T09:40:00.003+02:00

It is drizzling the moment I sat and wrote this. Woke up at 0730hrs. Truth be told, I couldn't sleep really well the previous night, for I am grieving. Grieving the demise of a really good friend, Taufiq Shariff.

I may have not known him long enough like most of us had, but got to know him, I really did. A senior 5 years older than me, he certainly gave us the guidance and wisdom we really sought after (albeit the nature of his wisdoms are somewhat eccentric, one might say). Since he lived quite near where I do back home in Malaysia, this became our special thing. Our special bond. Budak Kajang, we call ourselves.

I still remember it like it was yesterday when I flew back for summer, we hung out, chatted, made crazy jokes, pranked Azwan and Kesten, and the list goes on. I even have your message in my twitter inbox, again in your witty manner.

Your demise was too sudden, Topek. And I miss you already.

We hold your words in our hearts. You may have left this earth, but your legacy lives on. We love you Topek. And God loves you even more.

To Topek. A brother, a friend. You will always be remembered.

"Is it He Who giveth life and who taketh it and to Him shall ye all be brought back. (56)(Yunus)"

Furnitures

2010-08-25T06:07:00.001+02:00

If you were to ask me, "Is there anything the matter?" I would promptly reply "Yes."

But if you were to ask me "What is the matter?" I wouldn't know the answer, just like you.

Mal's Start

2010-08-24T06:40:00.002+02:00

I wanted to write about something coming sincerely from the heart. Something I hold very close, very dear to me. Yet upon much deliberation, I fear that the consequences of my writings would be very, very extreme. Many would be held into account, and many would bombard me with questions I couldn't comprehend, what more answer. The magnitude would be so immense, I decided to roll it up like a furball, and swallow it like a cat, like I always do.

To not disappoint, here's a dialogue between me and my mother, a couple of days back, in the car, on the way to tarawikh:

Mama: "Muzani? Tak sikat rambut ke?"
Me: " Tak."
Mama: "Apesal?"
Me: "Nanti pakai kopiah jugak. Sama je,"
Mama: " *sigh*. Sikat rambut pun malas,"
Me: *sigh*

And I just celebrated my birthday a couple of weeks back. Haha. Enjoy Ramadhan folks.

Lines Part 2

2010-08-15T17:08:00.002+02:00

Because life's like that.

Never you mind about good deeds. It matters not, that you've done a million and one random acts of kindness in all corners of the world.

Because people are only going to remember that one mistake in your life that you did.

Lines

2010-08-13T05:57:00.004+02:00

Let's talk about something pretty darn serious. (Being the serious post that this is, I expect no response since the patterns on this blog state that people respond to more humorous posts. Offended, however, I am not.)

Let's talk justice.

(Be advised that this post is nothing but my honest and humble opinion, to which it may vary with yours.)

First and foremost, let it be known that justice is NOT synonymous with equality. I've learnt once, justice: "putting the right things in their rightful places". There's a good a analogy given by a senior official in the Education Ministry on this one, forwarded to the dinner table by my mother.

"Let's put two people on a stage. Let's put up Dato' Sharifah Aini, and say, Sheila Majid. Give them each 3 meters of material to be made into clothes. Whilst Sheila would end up having a nice set of Baju Kurung for herself, Dato' Sharifah would have difficulties having enough materials only for her baju. Now let's give them each 5 meters of material. Dato' Sharifah would find it very comforting to know that she's getting enough material for her Baju Raya this year, and Sheila now has too much material, 2 metres in fact, which is in excess to be put into good use. Giving them what they truly deserve, is justice."

I've also heard something quite similar to this one. Give a child 1 Ringgit, and give a 20-year old man the same amount. Whilst the child could buy the world with his money, in the same amount the 20-year old man could barely feed himself. The amount is the same, the justice is, however, lying on the contrary.

Perhaps we could relate this to what's happening in the country now. Or in our own lives, for that matter.

"Anak kecil main api. Bumi dipijak tanah orang."

Resonance

2010-07-17T12:27:00.002+02:00

I've mentioned this before in my old blog, and I'll mention it again here. (Note: There is a tinge of 'gedikness' towards the end of this post, but then again, as if you don't know me by now already :P)

Lakes are magical.

It's the relatively still waters. The calmness. The serenity, the tranquility.

Was at Bodensee the past few days, and just like any other lakes I have been to, and it was, certainly, magical. Somehow rivers and seas do practically the same thing, but nothing hits the spot like a lake does.

I have to say, arriving by the Bodensee as I first touched this country was nothing but perfection at it's best. And to go there again, to rekindle an old flame, to recollect, managed to put more than a smile on my face.

Both in winter, and in summer, it's nothing short of fabulousness. The heavy smog in winter, the chilly air, the strong winds.

And in summer? Wow. The sight of the yachts, the people, the children, the happy faces, and to be splashed with its water, you almost couldn't believe such a happy place even exist.

I lay down under a tree, and caught a nap with the waters in front of me, the sun shining above me, under the shade of a huge tree.

I honestly didn't want to go back.

Though after checking out those semi-nude photos of me, I came upon 2 conclusions:

1. I should work out more
2. I need to get my tan evened out.

Ants

2010-07-02T00:52:00.005+02:00

I'm about to make a confession:

I'm a hypocrite. A big, fat one. (Owh here come the fat jokes!)

I publicly declare that I totally despise the English football team. Their goalkeeper has been nothing short of a disgrace, their loss to Germany was well deserved, they're nothing but a bunch of AGING celebrities who desperately need jobs to support their lavish lifestyles, and I made a fool of my brother for supporting them; I despise them for colonising my country, and I think most of them are basically pompous and arrogant (Thank the modern media for serving us the British stereotype. As we know, English characters are almost always emotionally constipated ).

Yet browse through my room, if you may. You'd find an England jersey in my cupboard, a huge hat I bought when I was in London embalmed with the English flag, I totally adore the British accent (I admit. I practice them in my monologues. Owh yes. When I monologue, I do it well. So well in fact I use words I've never used before in a normal conversation. Classy.), I think London is the best capital city I've been to so far, and nothing amuses me more than the British humour (For this I express gratitude to the British Broadcasting Company and their advocates on YouTube.)

How dare I walk this earth? Showing my face ever so publicly like a male peacock when I should be walking with my tail between my legs?

So forgive me father for I have sinned. Then again, so did you.

You know what. I don't think it's wrong to be a hypocrite at all. This video would further prove my point.

Embrace hypocricy people. We all already are anyway.

Croatian Watch

2010-06-29T01:13:00.002+02:00

It is funny wouldn't you think?

Alanis Morisette got this spot on in "Ironic". How things would happen at the times you would least expect them to be.

How food turns bad when you're absolutely hungry.
How they started construction outside your window when you most need your sleep.
How you got into a traffic jam when you're already late. (Many thanks to Alanis)
How you wake up late, when you needed to be early.
How you realize you have no money in your wallet when you really wanted to buy something.
How the food you crave is out for the day.
How you just go blank at an important interview, despite preparing yourself beforehand.
How you've read your notes, only to go clueless in the examination hall.

How you lose someone when you really need them.
And how someone comes to you when you want to be alone.

E(pot)= m.g.h

2010-06-24T00:00:00.001+02:00

A porcelain ornament. A beautiful, captivating one.

It broke. So you picked it up. Mended it.

Just for it to drop again.

Prayers

2010-06-13T01:12:00.002+02:00

To have a different view, a different perspective.

We must have heard that quite so often. Though as quickly as it went in, it went out again.

Yet Zusak changed this.

To not only have a different perspective of life, 'tis the perspective of Death himself. The Grim Reaper. And for it to have such affection to a little girl's life, and why it has such a tremendous meaning to it, I can only sit and ponder. For it is most peculiar, I must say. How it rips souls out of humans; by the millions (and on a day to day basis), I must add; and yet how this little girl's life can be so adhesive to his sight, one must question.

Why her in particular?

Yet Zusak manages to touch the souls ever so warmly (albeit the deathly monologues), and it shall remain in a special place in my heart. It is tremendously wonderful how such easily one can relate to the story.

For that, my hats off to you, Zusak.

Smoking Kills

2010-05-12T00:23:00.004+02:00

Ungrateful bastards.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Honestly. Our main concern here is for the greater good, and even that you could not appreciate. It's good enough that we are open for suggestions, that we are even there to listen to your worries and woes, your requests. If we decide to go our own way and not have a hoot about what you have to say, again, you'd go off like a pressure cooker.

See what I mean? Ungrateful load of filth.

We are trying to fulfill YOUR needs here, not ours. Do consider. If it would make things any better, I would, with an open heart, let all this go and let people like you handle this. Only then you'd know what pile of crap we have to go through, again, to fulfill YOUR needs.

This is sickening.

And all it takes is just a bit of manners. And you're not even able to do that. Sickening, ungrateful bastards.

Contraception

2010-05-02T02:42:00.002+02:00

Something is really bugging me tonight at this late hour.

I've noticed that I have been picturing a lot of images related to boxing gloves as of late. Weird.

I've pictured my face being hit with full blow by someone wearing a boxing glove, pictured other people being hit full blow in the face in the same manner, and somehow stumbled upon some clips about, well, boxing.

Peculiar indeed, my dear Watson.

I can't really explain these occurences, or why it happens. Perhaps it's a sign that I'm made for this field (though my physical built would beg to differ), or perhaps it is a sign that I require assistance? The latter does sound a bit serious doesn't it?

Another peculiar thing is, these gloves are always red.

Black, Thick, and Gooey.

2010-04-20T00:15:00.002+02:00

This is going to be a random one. I won't stick to a particular topic, instead I'll be just ranting about whatever that comes to mind as my fingers touch the keys of this wireless keyboard.

So here goes.

I wish people would stop adding me on Facebook to promote their MLM products. Add me if you are a friend (or want to become one), otherwise don't mess with the "beauty" of social networking.

I don't get it. Why do you tag people to market your products? Tag these people if they're actually IN the picture, or at least, if you wish them to be there. There are loads of alternatives for advertisement. Tagging is not one of it. Facebook even have a "marketplace" section man. Go global!

I wish I am the sole manipulator of time. I won't misuse it I promise.

Looking back, I was happier then. And the future is creeping up at a pretty incredible speed. This caught-in-the-middle thing leaves lots to be desired.

It's a difficult situation I'm going through but I'm handling it. Should everything fall into place, I'd be legendary. (You would expect me to do the Barney Stinson stint, but no. Some things DO get lame after a certain period of time, primarily due to excessive usage. Besides, Stinson's gay.).

I ask myself "What to eat?" a little too often these days.

I LOVE to be given the opportunity to stand out. Though this comes at a huge price.

Ashes ashes everywhere. For those who are stuck, my prayers are with you.

Managerial qualities. You do not have to do EVERYTHING. Delegate.

There's something missing.

Those young, carefree days are over dude. It's time to grow up.

SWAT. With "A" being the emphasis. Damage control. Bad things happen. Fall down, start running.

I don't like my current sleep pattern. I don't have much trouble waking up, I have issues sleeping. This is where great weather goes to waste. Since I sleep most of the evening.

I made up my mind. I'M NOT GOING BACK.

Zinger

2010-04-05T21:39:00.002+02:00

So I was approached by some guy I've never met via Flickr. And he asked my permission to use a photo I've taken to be published.

I'm not gonna tell you who, and I'm not gonna tell you which picture. The information stated above would hereby suffice.

And yes. I really do like it if my works are appreciated.

(I hate having writer's bloc.)

Wishlist

2010-03-30T20:38:00.001+02:00

I'm not asking for much.

Just for this suffering to end.
Soon.

Net

2010-02-09T23:46:00.002+01:00

I saw from my friend's blog, it has been 5 weeks since I last wrote. Has it really been that long? It certainly doesn't feel so.

60 blog posts and 400 tweets already. I'm on a roll.

I'm glad that exams are over. I have a trip to look forward to, and a "career" waiting for me. Wish me luck.

Earlier this year the word "Resolution" resonates in the ears and minds of children and adults alike. We all know this is rarely kept, and rarely noted for the degree of their importance. Mine was simple:

2 resolutions I want to keep after exams are over:

1. Clean up my room. ( I spent the whole day doing this. Seriously. I managed to finish it only when it's already dark. So you could imagine yourself, how much of a mess I made before.)

2. Cut my hair. Done

And I am good for the year. That's for you folks. Think wisely before making a resolution. Make ones that you can keep. Don't bite off more than you can chew. I'm done for 2010. And I am certainly looking forward to 2011.

Side mirror

2010-01-03T23:45:00.002+01:00

2010. This has been the decade that I actually lived through, the decade that I actually remembered.

I'd say sometime 10 years ago, I was....

... worrying about that Y2K bug.
... using a PC with a Windows 95 platform
... using a dial-up modem. 28.8kbps, it was.
... Netscape was the ONLY alternative to Internet Explorer.
... about to enter secondary school. Leaving boyhood, entering manhood.
... plump. Chubby. And I used to wear glasses. No picture proof. Sorry.

How time flew. The new year has a sense of humour. Nice way of greeting me in.

Take a 10-year trip back into your life. Anything interesting to share?

The Good Grinch

2009-12-30T18:23:00.002+01:00

2009 was, in a whole, a bummer. It grabbed me by the balls, (yes, I said MY balls) turned me upside down, dragged me by miles and back.

Though somedays did made me smile. I'm pretty content. Hey, you can't stay on top forever.

So I promise you. I'll get my revenge in 2010. I'm gonna kick it where it hurts most. I'm gonna shove my foot up it's behind. Yeah. I'm gonna go and get it.

I feel like Rocky. I don't make resolutions by the way.

I wish you all a very happy new year. Bring it on, 'cuz I'm ready.

Biological Warfare

2009-12-29T01:56:00.002+01:00

It's 2 a.m and I'm starving. Hence, the list of my cravings are as follows:

1. Steak. A big juicy one. I don't care what type of sauce, be it mushroom, black pepper, bbq. I'll take 'em all, s'il vous plait. Mix 'em up, pour it in a wine glass, and I'll savour it.

2. Masala Thosai. Having this as a snack is a sin. Worth it, though.

3. Warm apple pie, with vanilla ice cream smothered on top.

4. 1901 Hotdog.

5. Banana leaf rice. Don't blame me. I just saw a videoclip showcasing Raju's (the one in PJ).

6. Paddle Pop Rainbow-flavoured ice cream. I know it states caramel-flavoured on the label. But if anyone tells me that THAT is what rainbow tastes like, I'll believe them. I'll treat them for an ice-cream. I'll start looking for rainbows, and hell yeah, I'll start licking them.

7. Mihun goreng, no veggies, and very hot. That's how you enjoy a dose of mihun.

8. Half boiled eggs, mamak store style. Bushra LOVES watching me do this one.

9. Keropok lekor, losong style. FTW baby. FTW.

10. Penang style Kuehtiaw. I don't wanna fly to Helsinki for this one. (Actually, how do you spell Kuehtiaw REALLY?)

11. Mom's Ayam percik. Makes no sense to grill in the winter, and I don't have the luxury of an oven. As a bachelor, I deem my PS3 to be of higher value.

12. Ikan siakap 3 rasa. The one I had while in Kuantan: Godsent.

13. Chilli crabs. This needs no explanation.

14. Butter prawns. I want this while watching a movie. Take that.

15. Laksam. And Laksa Johor. Ah what the hell, all the Malaysian Laksas for all I care.

I think I covered most of them already. Owh and be wary, this is a craving at 2 a.m in the morning. You don't wanna meet me face to face when I'm really hungry. And please, I beg of you. Should you have the luxury to stuff your face with the items mentioned above: DO NOT rub this in my face.

P/s: Don't remind me 2009 is almost over will you? I appreciate it.

Socks

2009-12-24T17:58:00.003+01:00

Here comes another wish.

To all friends, family and those whom I have the most pleasure to have met your acquaintance.

Feliz Navidad. Frohe Weihnachten. Joyeux Noel. Merry Christmas. Selamat Hari Natal.

May the christmas spirit and miracles bring you joy and happiness throughout the world. And let's give santa room to whizz around, and save the earth. Save electricity, recycle, reduce carbon emissions.

(It's quiet here in Reutlingen :D)

Cojones

2009-12-12T23:30:00.002+01:00

It's funny.

The further you throw something away from you, the harder it tries to get back to you.

And you're torn in two. To be a man and stick to your grounds, or to just succumb.

(I just watched I Love You, Man. It's weird. It's like a romantic comedy, between two guys, in the least possible gay way possible.)

Stinky Cheese

2009-12-02T21:32:00.002+01:00

House. Season six. Episode nine.

Dr James Wilson M.D. Oncologist. Faced with the most humongous ethical dilemma.

I'm not a doctor. But my father is. And I have millions of friends who are about to become one.

I'd say that I love to lend a helping hand when it is required of me to do so. Whenever I can, though not as "glamorous" as being a doctor. OK. I'm having second thoughts about that statement. I wouldn't say glamorous. But I'd only earn as much if I get super-duper lucky. That's what I meant.

So if you are a fireman, a doctor. You save lives for a living. But would you do what Wilson did?

To Everyone

2009-11-27T00:50:00.002+01:00

... including strangers.

You reading this. Regardless of your skin colour, race, religion, creed and all the things that make us different.

You. Friends. Family.

Wishing you a Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha. Eid Mubarak. Bayram Mubarak Ölsun. Frohes Opferfest.

*sharpens knives* Now where the cows at?

(I can't find a suitable picture. So just imagine a cows face, or a steak, or sup tulang.)

Nose-stick

2009-11-22T00:48:00.002+01:00

Wow. I can't imgine what they are thinking right now. I can't imagine how are they holding on, or how they are going to pull through this one.

To me, it's, well, wow.

But I guess this happens, and I'm sure there's an existing chapter in the Textbook of Life for this one.

I guess when you're way too occupied fighting for a mission, or a cause, this will eventually happen. You fight for something. And you get knee-deep doing this, only to find out that somebody close to you, somebody dear at heart is doing the exact thing that you've been fighting against.

"Kuman di seberang kelihatan, gajah di depan mata tidak kau nampak."

The irony.

Aeras

2009-11-17T22:09:00.002+01:00

I have tiny eyes. You see, right from the beginning you know things are only going south from here.

Yes. I only have teeny, tiny slits to put my eyeballs into place. Being the Malay that I am, this sort of went out of line. I do not resemble your typical textbook description of the Malay gentleman. I'm fair skinned, and my eyes are not making things any better. Of course, it was hard for me.

The first line that people utter when they first meet me: "Muzani? I thought you were Chinese!". Gosh. If I had a penny everytime somebody says that. I get that A LOT at school. Well the first years mostly. The rest? I just had to make it clear that I am not of Chinese origins. Not that I know of actually.

Going to and back from school is another challenge. Usually old, Chinese grannys ask me questions in the LRT about the station that they're heading to. This is what I usually process throughout the conversation:

"/(&/%&%$&$§%$§&% Bandar Tasik Selatan )(/)(/)&%$§§?".

So my tip: Go back with Chinese friends. My usual wingmen: Wai Loon, Lik Wen, Phak Hoe, Calvin and the list goes on. They just back me up with this one. These are the times I wished I know Cantonese. No Chinese friend? Then go and make one. Should there be no Chinese friend available, I usually hunt for keywords. E.g the conversation above, listen carefully for the "Bandar Tasik Selatan" part. I'd normally answer back in Malay, or sometimes maybe even English. "Haah, kat sini Auntie." Tell me that's not awkward. Or I'd just nod my head. Or better yet, I hangout with Malay friends and speak Malay ever so loudly just to see their faces crumple with utter confusion.

I have tiny eyes. That's why sleep is important to me. Whenever I have eyebags, I'm technically blind. So if I overslept and missed class, don't blame me. I just want to see the world. Same goes when I laugh.

But some people I know find it cute though!

By the way. My spanking new iMac? *hugs tight*

Joy Juice

2009-11-12T22:51:00.000+01:00

Freude schöner Gotterfünken,
Tochter aus Elysium.

It's not the easiest task done. It has never been easy.
Even Superman has his bad days.

So yes.
I'm burying my feet deeper into the ground.
I'll stop that train.
I'll stop that train from falling off a blasted bridge.
Even if it takes my life.
You.
Make it all worthwhile.

REALLY bury my feet in the ground.
I'm staying here.
I'm standing here.

Deine Zauber binden wieder,
was die Mode streng geteilt.
Alle menschen werden Brüder,
wo dein sanfter flügel weilt.

Bloodsucker

2009-11-03T23:27:00.004+01:00

Crepuscolo sul mare

And my world stood still.

Push everything aside. I want time to stop. Only for a moment.

Just for this.

Crepuscolo sul mare.

(I got mentioned. Three times already in the near past. I express gratitude in you acknowledging my existence in this tiny world we live in.)

Blitzkrieg

2009-10-19T23:24:00.003+02:00

Tonight is a lazy night. I don't feel like doing anything. I should:

1. Do exercises for the subjects that I failed last semester (and not forgetting the previous one).
2. Start understanding what Mr W wrote on the blackboard today and expected us to understand (last name omitted because Mr W actually knows how to use Google).
3. Sort out documents because I have to hunt for a job. Internship actually, but it's like a 6-month job where you earn a bit of money working for companies that somehow actually make the world go round.

Instead:

1. I stuffed my face. Two dinners? Try and beat that.
2. Hanged out at people's rooms brightening up their evening.
3. Watched "The O.C". This I enjoy most.

Want to know what is bliss?

Getting what you crave for, that's bliss. Craved for something on a Sunday where normally shops close. Thank you Verkaufssoffenen Sonntag. That's er, Shops-open Sunday? It's a Sunday where shops are opened. Only once in a blue moon, but greatly anticipated. In a small town like this, yes, open shops gets you excited.

Craved for Strüdels. The Kelantan blood kicked in.

Saw the bakery open. Doing good so far.

Lo and behold. Strüdels and Chocolate Croissant. Fresh out of the oven. Steaming hot. On a cold day. To exaggerate: Imagine the hot filling of both pastries touching your tongue on a blistering cold day. The hot, still liquid chocolate-filling of the croissant just burned your tongue as you took in a bite. The sweetness, the warmth of the apple strüdel.

So I grabbed both.

Bliss.

Tide

2009-10-16T20:08:00.005+02:00

As you see the leaves dry,
and the gust of wind takes you off your feet.

As you watch them fall,
and you let the rain drop upon you.

As you watch the world slowly turn brown and yellow,
and you look up, feeling it drizzle upon your face.

And as you walk through the rain,
You can't help but realize,
The Beauty of Autumn.

Taste it. Hear it. Feel it. Let it sweep you off your feet. Let it make you levitate. Let it embrace you upon its arms. Just let it.

(I'm waiting for my tomyam to simmer. In the meantime, you should take a walk. Enjoy the colours.)

Gwen Stefani

2009-10-14T23:50:00.003+02:00

I've reached that age in my life.

That age where you seem to think twice about everything you have done, and all the decisions you are about to make in your future undertakings.

That age where you think whether you are at the right place, doing the right things.

That age where you wonder whether this is what you really want.

Some of the mates took action to their doubts. Though I can't seem to help but realize, should anything be reinstated to square one, this stage would eventually reimmortalize.

I've been through this before. I've been in almost similar situations. And it thought me to stick my tongue in it, how bitter it may be. Eventually, you would taste how good 'bitter' actually is. Usually the endings are indeed affable. (I guess that's why people enjoy coffee. Recent gastric attacks prevents me from doing so. Damn stomach acids.)

This feeling? Shoo. Tongue? In it. (That sounds dirty. Though I didn't mean it to be so. Just a reference to the before mentioned 'tasting' incident).

Bring it on, bring it on. I wouldn't escape gloriously. Cuts and bruises, loads of them, are expected. Macho. Whoa. I feel like Rocky.

Incubus

2009-09-23T16:29:00.002+02:00

That was a shitty drive back home.

No. I didn't balik kampung for raya this year. As a matter of fact, it was only from Taman Tun to Kajang, which is about half an hour, give or take.

But all the way home, dad decided to have "a talk".

Tried turning up the radio. Tried driving faster so I can reach home quickly.

Shit. *bangs head on table*

Minal 'aidil wal faaizin

2009-09-19T06:04:00.002+02:00

Sepuluh jari tersusun rapi,
Pohonan ampun penyuci diri,
Salah silap harap dimaafi,
Moga Syawal (dan Ramadhan) tahun ini diberkati,
Juadah enak pelengkap seri,
Kesihatan diri harus diingati,
Silatulrahim pengikat abadi,
Jalinan ukhwah penguat jatidiri,
Salam aidilfitri dari kami!

Like the cookies? Come over. Again, wishing all of, regardless of race and religion, colours and creeds, a wonderful and blessed Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir dan Batin. Be safe on the road, and you're invited to come over :).

Gladiator

2009-09-16T08:22:00.002+02:00

As we approach the end of Ramadhan, we can't help but to look back and ponder. Has it been worth it?

It is a month of challenges. Personally, my challenges differ from yours. And trust me, it's not the straining-yourself-from-eating-from-dawn-til-dusk part that hurts most. Please, entertain yourselves.

1. Getting the fingers away from the nose and the ears. Honestly, one of the toughest. I mean, these two organs are by far THE most itchy part of the human anatomy. And icky as it may sound, I do pick my nose on a regular basis, particularly when I'm bored.

2. The walk through a bazaar. Yes, try and hold it in. Try as you may, you'd end up buying more than you need. Take a deep breath and smell that ayam golek, roti john, yong tau foo? Tempted? I thought so too.

3. Not cursing. Despite my goodie-goodie image, yes, I do curse, a lot to be exact. But only in the presence of dudes. I do hold my manners in front of the ladies. So if there's an idiot who double parks, nothing like having the feeling sink deep into your veins.

4. The walk past Famous Amos. This has to be the mother of it all. This shop should close down during the fasting month man. The whiff, dude, the whiff!

On a much lighter note, I guess something is wrong with the counter here on the left side of the page. I couldn't have had 12000 visitors now could I? Perez Hilton, yes. Muz, err, nope?

Happy Malaysia Day everyone. I know, you forgot.

Plus

2009-09-15T08:05:00.003+02:00

First and foremost, forgive the emotions from the previous entry. Was not in the pink of health, thus it affected my whole system. Wanna know more? It's kinda serious. Well, a simple sickness gone horribly awry, that's what I would say. Fear not, I'm doing alright, for the time being.

So I noticed something about myself as of late. I used to be a person who posess a great attention to detail, especially while driving. But somehow those are just gone. Attention Deficit Disorder? Just what on earth is that? Point is, I pay less attention to my surroundings. I look at the side mirrors less often than I used to. I used to signal EVERYTIME before changing lanes. Now I do it only when deemed necessary. And it goes to my daily chores. I tend to forget EVERYTHING. If this is the process of ageing, I pity those who are older than me (this just means pretty much 95% of all the people that I know). Yeah. Pity you, man. But don't worry. I haven't had any accidents so far in my life, so I'm pretty much trustworthy behind the wheel. Care for a drive?

Ramadhan is ending. So how did it change us? See life in a different perspective yet? The tazkirah a couple of days back was kinda cool. Ustaz Mahdzir said "In every challenge that comes our way, it's just an 'upgrade' process. Should we sail through it unharmed, we have just been upgraded,". Yes people. You still have time.

Though you can't run away from the fact Eid is fast approaching. Did all my shopping, yes yes!

There's one reason to panic: I can't find the pants to my baju melayu. Sheet.

Bad.Bad.Day

2009-09-04T14:35:00.001+02:00

During iftar, my mom asked: "Apsal termenung je? Makan pun tak lalu? OK tak?"

I went up to my room. I burst like I've never did before.

Faith (contd)

2009-08-30T16:37:00.003+02:00

Something absolutely weird happened today. Something really weird. I've never encountered such things before.

After tarawikh was completed, tears flowed from my eyes.

Ever experienced something so unnatural, so beautiful?

God is Great.

10th tarawikh so far. Attendance full so far. Let's keep this up.

(not far from 1000 counts now. *crosses fingers*)

Child-bearer

2009-08-29T12:51:00.002+02:00

Don't worry. I haven't impregnated anybody just yet.

But I guess I need to take care of somebody, something. Mainly because I spent most of time sitting at home. Yes. My life is absolutely pathetic. And this in turn causes me to feel a bit, well, empty.

I guess I need a child. I need to take care of a child. Or an adult with a children's mind. Whichever. I just want to take care of somebody. One thing about a child is, it's kind of fulfilling to watch them grow.

I know. I might be too young to be thinking of all this. But since when age matters right?

Any volunteers?

Divide and Rule

2009-08-27T05:35:00.002+02:00

Thank goodness for social networking websites. Most people actually have more friends now. Unfortunately most of these friends have never even met in person.

I wouldn't want to get left behind by the buzz. Heck no. I would be uncool.

So I opened it all up. And I've decided to arrange them somewhat systematically.

I have facebook. Most of my updates show the lighter side of me. Happier me. I have a blogger account (the one your reading now). This is normally applied for me to talk some sense (or the lack of it). And I tweet. Most of the updates are totally emotional. Sad me. A flickr account. Been a while since I last posted any photos. But soon I guess, when I'm in the mood.

I think I'll just link it up at the side here.

Faith

2009-08-25T10:33:00.003+02:00

I'm not doing this because everyone is doing it. I'm not doing this because Ramadhan is here. But I'm doing this at my own conscience. My own will. I do not want to call this a preach. Just a reminder to myself and hopefully to others as well.

I have been through hell and back. This past year has been nothing but constant, continous feeling of gloom. It was tough, I have to say, the toughest I have encountered my entire life. Ask around. People noticed. And through all this I have been nothing but a victim of negligence. To Him, the Almighty.

And I came back home. Coincidentally with the arrival of Ramadhan. I admit, I have been a terrible man of faith. I wouldn't say I did anything terrible to cross any lines. Far from that. But the things I did was that of negligence. I didn't perform my duty as a servant to Him.

And the price I had to pay: Huge.

And I do thank Him for this. I do thank Him for the gift of Ramadhan. I do thank Him for reminding me of my wrongdoings. And it is with Him that I want to pull through this. It is common of mankind to remember the Creator only when he is on despair. I know, I might be a hypocrite before. You might not believe I even wrote this. I accept the gift of Ramadhan with an open heart. We made mistakes before, but this month God gives us His chance to repent. I was blind before, but it is laid in front of my eyes now. And I really thank Him for this.

I really want this to be the last time that I have regrets towards Him. The reason I write this is because I can't possibly do it on my own. And I really hope you readers would help guide me through this. Hold my hand. I don't want to get lost from the path again. I need constant reminding.

(There is nothing like a well-focused tarawikh. Nothing compares to it. Through this feeling of sadness it is there that I find a little bit of strength to wake up the next day.)

In sadness I find cheer;
In despair I find hope;
In guilt I find embrace;
In weakness I fins strength;
In Ramadhan I find life.

Herzlich Wilkommen Ramadhan.

Speech Impaired

2009-08-21T05:45:00.001+02:00

I feel like posting up something.

But I can't put it in words. All in all. I've seen better days.

Legal at last.

2009-08-11T14:42:00.003+02:00

Owh I'm old now. 21. I can enter clubs with ease and not worry about the legal disclaimers at the front page of porno websites. Though I rarely pay these outlets a visit, really.

But yes. This has been a long yet short year indeed. Seems like yesterday I celebrated my 2oth, and now I'm home again, celebrating yet another one of my getting-older days. I guess it's a blessing, being an August baby. I get to fly home for my birthday. And this year Eid-Ul-Fitr as well.

A long year. I have never been through the things I went through in my life like this particular year. I feel so old, as I'm not supposed to go through these at such an age. Maybe later in life, but hey, these things just showed earlier than expected I presume. So I'd say my middle-age crisis should be around the corner?

Short year. How time flew. Farah said she felt like it was yesterday that she wished me on my last birthday. Naza stated the obvious: "Kiamat dah dekat". And I left school 5 years ago. 5. Damn. And entering 4th semester. Can't we just slow it up a bit? I just need a bit more time on certain subjects.

I realized I might have changed. Not so bubbly, or candy-cane intoxicated as I used to be. But face it. I'm growing up. So should you.

Change.

2009-08-02T22:24:00.001+02:00

To those who knew, thanks very much for your support. I really appreciate it in these times of need. God bless your souls.

To those who don't, try and find it out.

Tomorrow, 4th August 2009, Destination: Kuala Lumpur

Of Court!

2009-07-19T02:06:00.002+02:00

Today was a day that I would categorize as quite a long one. Nothing to sigh about being extremely exhausted or anything similar, it's just quite long.

Spent money again. Geez. I could never save. Perhaps thrifty is the word best NOT to describe me.

"Pendekar Bujang Lapok" was great. Just great.

It's like this. I am tired. A bit exhausted, tired. But nothing to feel content about. It's an empty sorta feeling. I wouldn't say it was a perfect, full day. It is weird, if you feel tired, but you don't feel like you've achieved anything major.

There's this emptiness thingy. It doesn't feel quite right.

Swipe Swipe

2009-07-17T20:56:00.003+02:00

It's that time of the year again. The time of the year where I spend a huge load of money to buy gifts for my loved ones. That's why I've been collecting from people who have been owing me. This particular card has been actively going in and out of my wallet.

Yes. The question is right now: Do YOU love me? Yes, you reading this.

Want a gift? Hmmm? Hmmmmmm?

Calendar

2009-07-14T20:43:00.002+02:00

Yesterday was easier to live with. Things were much more simple, much more direct.

Now. I have to drag myself through every moment in time. This while being in complete denial of the current happenings. I keep asking myself: "What is going on?".

I wonder how tomorrow will still be. Will it be just like how I planned it yesterday? Or should I just leave fate in God's hands? Would today affect tomorrow?

Time Crisis 3

2009-07-04T15:42:00.002+02:00

Not the game. Pretty sure all of you heard of this quote before:

"Time flies when you're having fun."

So since when exams have been fun?

To tell the truth, 2 hours just zip by like a concorde jet during exams. Lectures on the other hand... (I don't have to complete this sentence now do I?)

Yeah right. Whoever invented this quote, is a no-brainer. Obviously he never took exams in his life before.

As of press-time, 2 down, 4 to go.

Salute

2009-07-02T11:02:00.001+02:00

Lets add a couple or so more to the entry below.

16. You feel like joining the military. (under these kinds of mental torture, I'm pretty darn sure I can survive anything...)

17. You become an owl.

Due to lack of sleep, I am cranky.

MAXEd Out.

2009-07-01T20:53:00.002+02:00

Your typical pre-exam scene:

1. The only indication that you have a table is that your laptop is elevated 2 feet from the floor. You can't see your own table.

2. There are files on the floor.

3. There are papers and notes on the bed.

4. Your laundry gets washed, but not folded.

5. You realize you drink more coffee than water.

6. Eye-shadows aren't required. Eyebags do the job just as fine.

7. You can't find your remote.

8. You start singing "Jika Kau Rasa Getarnya" by Zamani. And you didn't even like Slam.

9. You forgot to eat.

10. You don't cook. You'd eat the food raw if you can.

11. Your formulas start to flash in front of your eyes before you sleep.

12. You don't shower. And you don't even care.

13. To every question asked, you'd usually answer with a "huh?" first. The question is hereby required to be repeated.

14. Sleep? Is that a disease?

15. You feel like making it big as a Hollywood film star.

Owh dear owh dear. Dearie dearie. Die. Exams this Saturday. Today is Wednesday. I should be done by Thursday. Panic button, pressed. Wish me luck.

I have a damn good reason.

2009-06-25T00:07:00.002+02:00

I needed a reason to get angry. And I needed a reason to feel like crap. I needed a reason to make my life worse, to shatter it to pieces, and to just wipe my ass off this world and make me feel so bad.

And ahoy. I have found it as I glanced at the calendar.

Damn it. Exams are SO coming up faster than I could ever dream!

They say you'll only treasure things when you lose them. I treasure being lazy. Motivation required, a.s.a.p.

The Functional Valve

2009-06-23T01:03:00.002+02:00

I feel like getting angry. I want to get angry, like really angry to the point of yelling my lungs out, or even slapping anybody right in the face. I wanna get 'Hulk' angry.

But see, there's a problem. I have no reason to get really really angry right now. Any volunteers?

I'm in freaking-out mode. *sigh*. It's like being on the verge of insanity, whilst being sane enough to realize it.

I know. I'm not making much sense.

Rain

2009-06-17T17:37:00.002+02:00

I just had to ruin the day. And I sat under the shower for almost half an hour, asking myself, "Just what the hell went wrong...". This seems to be never-ending. This current state of mind. This is just wrong.

I feel like I'm reaching the edge. The end station.

(As I read my past entries, I know, I have been emo-ing a little bit too much lately. Though it would be easy to write about happy thoughts if I am ACTUALLY happy, innit? So bear with me. Please.)

Go South.

2009-06-16T17:18:00.001+02:00

Today is a very bad one. Seriously. I feel like... Shit.

I just wanna sleep this off. Pretend today never occured.

Gamer's Convention

2009-06-14T02:42:00.002+02:00

A close friend once said: "It's like playing a kite. You pull it closer, it gets away from you. You let it go, it comes down to you,". (You know who you are, and I know you read this since you drop by here every other minute or so... Thanks for the genius quote nonetheless. Claim your cekodok pisang as a treat).

But it's true.

And I'm tired of playing games. I do not take "Let's see what happens" as a strong, relevant answer. It's not very convincing.

And I suck at kite-flying. Both analogically and practically. (There's a childhood incident somewhere in Terengganu where I tangled the line. Pretty embarassing, I know).

I want to know what's in it for me now. Time-wasting is a waste of time.

Zero Talk

2009-06-10T01:02:00.002+02:00

OK. I just realized something. If I can't study, I'll just walk over to Mooney's room and fry some cekodok bawang. It is weird to a certain extent, but it helps. I'm sure you've got your own weird thing going on, so don't judge me aight. And if you feel like some cekodok bawang, feel free to ask or drop by. Would be GLAD to make 'em.

A classmate made a whole Formelsammlung. In English? Let me see, a Formula Collection. It's a compilation of all the formulas required to answer in the exams, based on the book written by the Prof himself. And every batch will at least have ONE person of this is sort, the one that is just hardworking enough, manages to find and squeeze the time to compile, type out and spreads them all out to everybody. Honestly, this is super noble. The world needs this type of people. The type that's just so hardworking to help lazy-ass pricks like me. Man.

And at the end of the day, you just lie down on top of your bed, realizing that you're all by yourself. All alone. And that sucks.

Really Short Attention Span

2009-06-04T14:53:00.001+02:00

R.S.A.S

Due to recent events, I am hereby declaring that I have lost the capabilities to study, or do anything for that matter.

(I'm just down and out. Period.)

That's one tight slap in the face

2009-06-03T14:44:00.003+02:00

I've never said anything of such.

But it's hard isn't it, when your efforts are thrown down the drain. When you know that the other side has lost the will to commit. When it's just hard for that other side to something that has always been easy for the past couple of years. When you want it to be fixed, just knowing that the problem is beyond fixable.

Seriously. This hurts. Leave me alone. Just for a while.

The God-like Power of my Laziness

2009-05-26T22:35:00.002+02:00

I'm just lazy tonight. I don't feel like doing anything at all. Even sitcoms don't entertain me much.

Maybe I am thinking too much. But personal issues are something to think about. Even talking about them to my friends seem to deepen the wound.

How life has changed on this side of the world.

Gaining Weight.

2009-05-26T11:12:00.002+02:00

This week is off to a VERY bad start. Monday was horrible. (I don't exactly know why, but I keep on complaining about Mondays. Not my fault. I wouldn't be doing so should Mondays are received well throughout the population of the world). Had a mock exam, and I entirely missed the 1st command of the question. This later results in further screw-ups. Thank goodness, this particular test is, say, a mockery?

Today started well at the beginning. Then the next class came. Supposedly 3 hours of incomprehensible nightmare. I only had the strength to pull through one and a half hours. You can see why I shouldn't join the Army. Resilience is just not my thing. I actually walked out for a while, went to the toilet, sat down and thought about my life. I sat down on the potty, (though nothing that should happen happened), and asked myself "just what the fuck am I doing here?". I shouldn't do this if I don't want to.

I feel the weight on my shoulders just getting heavier by the moment. And it's holding me back.

Anybody seen my Facebook profile?

Stop Sign

2009-05-16T22:37:00.002+02:00

There are some things in this world that, god forbid, happens to every other people in life. Your friends, your family, people who are close to you, or in one way or another related to you. Good things happen, and most of the time bad ones. Let's focus on the bad ones.

Should it happen to people around you, perhaps you could stay put. Symphatise. Hope that it would eventually turn out well.

But what if it happens to you. Right there, in your face. What do you do?

Jeem. Ya. Wau. Alif. Nga.

2009-05-14T22:58:00.001+02:00

(I wrote this in my old blog years, maybe ages ago. I just feel like sharing it again.)

It was Eid. The time to celebrate, the time to rejoice. And he never thought that it is the day that his life was made complete, just by saying yes to the offer that came around that morning from his father. `Auntie Noorliza’s open house today, and everybody’s going,’ said the Dad. It may not sound much like an offer, but it is, and we were obliged to say ‘Yes’. And off we went. I was 15 then, eager yet shy, but raging with hormones flowin like blood to my veins. A 20 minute car ride, and we were soon there. I shook hands with the people there, with the Hostess and Host, and helped myself to the food that was on the table. And as i shoved a spoonful of Nasi Arab (hormones made me eat), i almost choked. I think i actually DID choke. For in front of me, there stood the most captivating sight that i have ever experienced in my life. It was her, and the Hostess called her ‘Jel’.

‘Jel. As in Hazel’. So i thought. There were so many people in the house, and i sat gaping over her. It would be a shameful sight, watching me in that situation. I have food in my wide open mouth.

‘Behave like a man. Control’ I thought. So I continued eating. But how can you eat in peace, with her in mind. I kept picturing i was feeding her instead. Foolish, foolish, but it felt great. I was in heaven, literally. And then the world came crashing down on me.

She was there walking towards me. ‘OH. MY.GOD.’ I panicked, I wanted to run, I didn’t know where to go. ‘Control’. And there she sat right next to me. The whole world went blank except for the sight of her. I can’t take my eyes off her. She was the only one I wanted to look at, worth having a look at. ‘Hi!’ said this angel brought down from the heavens as a gift from God Almighty.

‘Hhh.. Hh.. Hhhii..’. I was all over the place.

‘Anak Uncle Husni eh?’

‘Err.. Haah…’

‘Hi. Hazel’ She replied the with a smile. The smile that never went out of my memories.

‘Muz’.

PMR was just over. Naturally that was the most obvious topic to discuss about.

‘So how was English?’

‘English? English was freakin’ easy’. Hormones made me try to impress. I soon learnt that this done in a very harsh manner, and overly done, would result as a turn-off.

So she had to entertain other guests. I realized we had the same phone in hand. And even with this similarity, I still find it hard, not to mention awkward to ask for her phone number. This turns out to be one of the biggest mistakes that I have ever made in my entire life. Because she would be in another man’s arms by that time.

But the sparks kept flying.

And everytime I pass the SSP Tower, located just next to her house, i would remember this day. I would remember her face, I would remember the talk, I would remember what she wore (I still do. She had a grey t-shirt with brown corduroy pants on. And this being me, the ever forgetful person.)

It would only be four years after the incident that we are finally united. It was a long wait, but it was worth it. I waited four years. I dont know of anyone who could. But i did. Because I love her. I love Jel. Muzani loves Hazel.

It went on to be the day, that i shed my first tears of happiness. And she made me do it. She was the reason why i cried, because I was happy.

Even if she is halfway around the world right now, from where i sit down writing this. Even if we’re twelve hours apart.

Even if it’s not easy. But nobody said it couldn’t be done.

Mundane Monday

2009-05-11T22:08:00.003+02:00

It never occured to me befor that Mondays could be this awful. It normally wasn't so back home, partially for the reason that there's always something to be done in the weekends. I'd either go out, or go back home. Both ways, they were equally fulfilling. Something not too tiring, yet, I'd feel sort of like having a really good meal. It ends well.

It's only here that I finally get to know what Monday Blues really means. I woke up today just to snooze of for another half an hour. I skipped shower to snooze (It's only here that I'm allowed to do this. I'm normally hygienic). I opened my eyes with an almighty reluctance to get dressed, just to go to class so frigging early in the morning.

Weekends here are somewhat different. It's either you have too much to do, or nothing to do at all. My saturday was pretty much OK, if only it didn't start a bit too early and ended a bit too late. Otherwise it would have been nice. Back then, it would have been nice. Usually saturdays are "go out" days. Shopping malls would be THE no.1 option. Nope, no malls here. Though they have a street that practically have the same function as a shopping mall, the jive ain't there. It's just DIFFERENT.

Sundays would be a pleasure. Sunday newspapers would be the start of the day. If I'm home, mom would buy breakfast. INTEC-wise, I would wake up too late to have breakfast anyway. If I do wake up early, Radzman would gladly ask me out for some breakfast. I would walk to ESSO, buy me newspapers. Plainly because other newspaper stalls just seem to run out of NST and Mingguan Malaysia pretty quick. I don't even follow the news here. They don't have cartoons in the papers here. The cartoons are in COLOUR every Sunday back home. Exciting, ain't it?

I'm A Bad Factory

2009-05-03T23:23:00.002+02:00

I don't produce "Bad" as a product. Not that kind of Bad Factory. I'm just implying that if I am actually a factory, I'd be a bad one. Mostly because of the fact that this week has been totally unproductive.

I skipped the idea of heading to the library, merely based on the assumption that I wouldn't have enough mojo to sit and study for a couple of hours. In layman's terms, I JUST DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT. My room is a mess, as usual. I procrastinate to do my laundry. I eat only if I have to. I cook only if I feel like I have to eat. Skipped classes because I slept throught the evening.

And yes. Today I realized, exams are coming. In 2 months' time. I'm in enough hot soup where I am right now. I'd better learn from my immature mistakes that I made the past year.

Somebody wake me up.

Lets give an award today.

2009-04-25T15:03:00.002+02:00

I feel like giving away an award.

And so here it goes.

The award for the most visually-vulgar, obscene, most irritating, most brainless, idiotic, mindless, monkey-like, inhumane, heart-breaking, confusing, kick-in-the-ass, just-plain-stupid blog of all time, goes to:

http://silaserazwanali.blogspot.com

Congratulations Azwan Ali. You've done it again. You've made yourself proud.

Seriously. How DO they do it?

2009-04-25T14:44:00.002+02:00

Picture this. Let's go back to your childhood days. Sports Day at school. Typical Malaysian weather, under the hot, blistering sun. You just ran a mile, screamed for your Sports House, and all the typical things that go with it.

You started to feel thirsty.

Then *poof*. Out of nowhere. Suddenly there comes this truck in green. Bearing the most vulgar four-letter-word across it. So vulgar that if you would just taste the juices that comes out of it's fingers, you'd feel as if you'd just comitted a sin. A sin so well worth doing in the first place. It's as if you've comitted murder to someone who really deserved to be killed. You felt like you just made a deal with the devil himself. Such satisfaction.

Yes yes. I'm talking about the green goblin of all trucks, The Milo Truck. (the four-letter-word refers to MILO.)

How do they friggin' do it??

How do they produce such chocolaty goodness that no one, ( I mean NO ONE) could imitate? The right amount of creaminess, sweetness, the right chill... I mean, it's just bloody perfect!

Some mamak stalls may come up with nice versions of milo. Maybe the right chill, not enough milo. Some a bit too sweet. But perfection might be a bit far-fetched. Some are just bad. Let's not get started on hotel's make of Milo.

This must be the world's best kept secret, next to KFC ( at least in my opinion..). Gosh. It's like having an orgasm, only by consuming chocolate. Seriously.

This could start a war. People would kill over the milo truck. I know I will.

I miss home, I miss my childhood days.

Drink drink drink.

2009-04-18T14:41:00.003+02:00

No I don't drink. It's just that there's something about water that soothes my soul. So the past few weeks have been nothing but agony to me, but I'm pretty sure you've known that by now. The trip up north was EXACTLY what I needed.

Driving, and the wide open seas.

Kiel, Hamburg, Flensburg, (and perhaps Northeim was to be included). A blast. Towns surrounded by water. Back in the days I used to take a 15 minutes walk from my house to this small, little lake. To have a bit of me time. Wasn't hard back then. But with this winter thing going on, I just don't wanna get out a lot. Fortunately Mr. Sunshine decided to show up, late as usual. No wonder people used to worship the sun. It's just a little harder now, cold, and, well cold. It's just too cold to go out. But the past week has been very sunny, with the huge amounts of cubic metres of water around me. Man. I wish I could drink it all up.

But to think that I have to drive 7 hours just to get some peace and serenity, man. Stress might show up soon enough.